The Freelancer – Epilogue

Tuesday, December 24
Washington, D.C.

I decided it was time to start packing.  The movers would be here the day after tomorrow to collect my things.  It wasn’t too late to back out, but I’d worked too hard for it to do that now, even though it wasn’t what I wanted anymore.

My homecoming was bittersweet.  Banks kept me buried under a steady stream of paperwork and I was actually grateful for the distraction.  I wanted to tell myself I had moved on, that it didn’t hurt anymore, but the dull ache in my chest was still present every day.  It had been two months since I last saw Jenna, yet every morning she was still the first thing in my mind; her face haunting me whenever I closed my eyes.

Work provided no solace, but was the only distraction I had.  Even on the good days, Jenna’s face was everywhere.  A few weeks ago I actually woke up and not thinking of her.  It gave me hope that maybe I could go on without her.  Of course, I now knew that to be impossible.  When I picked up my drycleaning that afternoon, a small picture fell out of my wallet onto the counter.  It was one of the snapshots that Lana had wanted at the zoo.

The picture seemed harmless enough at the time and I put it back in my wallet.  It didn’t hit me at first, but I later realized that was the day we first made love.  I thought about burning it a few times.  Someone told me once that it was a therapeutic way to obtain closure…probably my younger sister.  I needed closure – desperately.  I could still remember the way her lips felt on mine that night.  I could still remember how her body responded to my every caress.  The best part of making love with her was the way she would look into my eyes and say my name as though I were the only man in the world.

She was the only woman in the world…

It was foolish of me to believe for even a moment that I could really have someone like her in my life.  I’d even fooled myself into thinking I deserved someone like her.  I’m an FBI agent.  When all is said and done, I give everything I have to the job and have nothing left for anyone else.  Even if things went differently on that porch, if she told me she loved me, if we were able to work things out, then I still wouldn’t be able to give Jenna the sort of life she deserved.  Her fiancé was a cop and she better than anyone else understood the danger that came along with the job.  Even if by some miracle she took me back then it still wouldn’t be fair to her.  She’d spend the rest of her life jumping when the phone rang or someone knocked on the door, wondering if the worst had happened to me.

That was no way for anyone to live.

All I had done from the moment I laid eyes on her was hurt her.  It was never intentional, but I’d hurt her all the same.  My last image of her was that of tears streaming down her face and pain in her eyes – pain I had caused just by being there.  I couldn’t stand for that to be the one memory that stuck.

Jenna looked happy in the picture from the zoo and I couldn’t bear to part with it, so now I had a constant reminder in my wallet of the happiness I would never again have.  Hell, maybe I never really had it at all.  Maybe it was never mine to have.

I spent most of my time at the office on autopilot and, despite the fact that time crept by, the first few months at work flew by only to stand still again.  Banks told me the ‘good’ news early last week.  I was being transferred to Financial Crimes, just like I always wanted.  As I once suspected, the field trip to Dallas was in part to determine if I was ready to move on. I passed their little test with flying colors.  Unfortunately, it came with a hefty price.  I was also being relocated to the Dallas field office.

I knew I should be thrilled to be getting the job I’d coveted for years, but I was too numb to care.  My first thought was that it would be great to live near Jenna again, as though there was any hope for us.  Now, I was consumed by the knowledge that I could run into her at any time and she would stare through me like I didn’t exist.  Of course, I didn’t exist to her, not anymore.  The only thing left between us was a few thousand miles.  Soon I wouldn’t even have that.

A knock at the door interrupted my thoughts.  I blinked several times after I opened the door, not trusting my eyes.  At first I thought I might be dreaming because it was a reoccurring dream of mine.

Jenna was standing in front of me.

“What are you doing here?” I asked, stunned that she was there and dismayed that I hadn’t thought of a better greeting.

“I thought it was only fitting to deliver you the manuscript for my novel in person.  You did inspire it, after all.”

She handed me a bound stack of papers and walked past me into the apartment.  It occurred to me after that I should have invited her in, but the synapses in my brain didn’t seem to be functioning.  I turned my attention to the papers in my hand and could tell what it was about by looking at the title.  The Agent Next Door.  Cute.

“You can’t publish the details of a case without…”

“…the express written permission from the Bureau,” she interrupted.  “I’ve had verbal approval for the last month, but your boss signed off on it this morning to make it official.  Charming woman.”

“You know Banks?”

I couldn’t believe that after imagining this moment for the last two months that all I could think of was to ask her if she knew my boss.  There were so many things I wanted to tell her, so many things I had even practiced saying.  Why couldn’t I just say them?  It wasn’t as though I could make things between us worse than they already were.  I had nothing left to lose.

“She was at my farewell book signing this afternoon.  Her children are huge fans of mine.”

I didn’t know she was married; much less that she was a mom.

“Sherry and I had an interesting conversation.”  She paused and regarded me with hostile caution.  “What happened to the tapes, Jackson?”

I hadn’t even thought about the tapes since leaving Dallas.  After everything was reviewed, the tape containing material information was logged into evidence.  They turned the rest over to me.

“I burned them.”

Jenna looked skeptical.  “You burned them?”

I looked away.  “Making a sex tape with your girlfriend is one thing, but it didn’t feel right to keep them since neither of us knew they were being made.”  I turned back to her.  “I didn’t think you’d want them.  I destroyed them so they wouldn’t end up on the internet.”

She let out a sigh a relief.  “Thank you for doing that.”

“I figured it was the least I could do,” I said, looking down at my feet. “You look good.”

“After a week on the beach, I’d better.” A slight smile touched her face. “Trista and Blaine eloped in Bermuda. I had to leave straight from there to get to my first book signing appearance in time.”

“Good for them.  Blaine seems like a good man.”

“He is.” She bit her lip. “He, uh, pulled me aside to tell me what you said the night at the hospital.”

“Well…he said he would.”

There were a few moments of awkward silence.  “I hear you’re relocating to Dallas.”

“Yes.”

I didn’t know what else to say to her.  I hadn’t heard from her since the day I left Dallas.  I’d picked up the phone no fewer than a hundred times, but I could never make my fingers dial her number.  I’d even gone so far as to do enough snooping to get her email address.  I could fill a book with the number of e-mails I’d written to her and never sent.

Jenna standing in front of me now was everything I had wanted, yet at the same time, it wasn’t.  In the dreams, I pulled her into my arms and kissed her.  Her response varied every time I had it.  Sometimes she had kissed me back; sometimes she slapped me and left.  Either way, I was left with same hollowness I felt every day.

The oddness of one of her earlier statements struck me.  “Wait.  Did you say your farewell book signing?  You aren’t writing anymore?”

“Not children’s books, anyway.  What you have in your hands will hit bookstores in the spring.  That will determine if I stay with it.  I’ll be plenty busy in the meantime.  I passed the Bar last week.”

“Why?”  I didn’t understand why she was telling me any of this, but I didn’t care.  All that mattered was that she was here with me.  A part of me didn’t care if we spent hours making small talk as long as it kept her near me.  I hated the idea of her leaving far more than I hated making idle chitchat.

Hell, she could sit down and read the phonebook to me if she wanted to.

“Law gets in your blood and Trista needed someone to work for once she got back from her honeymoon.  I start in the Collin County Prosecutor’s Office after the first of the year.”

“Okay,” I said softly.  “Why are you telling me this?”

“You’re moving to my town and I wanted to set the ground rules.”

“That’s a good idea.  In your new line of work, we’re bound to cross paths.  I meant it when I said I wouldn’t make trouble for you.  I don’t want my transfer to make things any more difficult than they have to be.  For either of us.”

“Exactly.  Don’t ever lie to me again.”

“Done,” I said.  “And?”

With our history, I knew that couldn’t be all of it.  I prepared myself for the laundry list that was sure to come.

“And…I’ve missed you, Jackson.”

I shook my head in disbelief.  “What?”

“Don’t misunderstand; I’m still angry with you for lying to me.  I may never be able to forgive you for all of the lies.  After you left, I thought about what you said some more and I realized you hadn’t lied to me about what was important though.”  She paused and picked at an imaginary piece of lint on her coat.  “I understand that you didn’t lie about loving me.  Even when you thought I was part of some diabolical plot, I know you weren’t faking your feelings for me.” Her lips curled into a half-smile. “Actually, your spontaneous road trip to Mexico makes more sense now.”

My mind was racing.  “What are you saying, Jenna?”

“I’m saying that maybe when you get settled in Dallas, you can call me.  We can’t pick up where we left off since I don’t know who you are, but maybe we can try to start over.”  She glanced at her watch and frowned.  “I have to go.  My flight home leaves in an hour and a half.  I…guess I’ll see you around.”

Jenna placed her hand on the doorknob and paused.  She looked back at me and I saw that same loving look in her eyes I’d seen before it all fell apart.  Even though her face was expressionless, her eyes told me she was still in love with me.  I wanted to pull her into my arms and never let go.

Her voice was broken when she spoke.  “Jackson…”

I didn’t know what I was waiting for.  This was her way of making a move without actually having to make one.  Dammit, why wouldn’t my legs move and take me to her?  Why didn’t I say something that would help instead of what I said?

“Yes?”

Jenna’s eyes glistened with the tears I knew she was too proud to cry in front of me.  “Uh…Merry Christmas, Jackson.”

I watched her leave and stared at where she had stood for a moment.  It must have taken a lot for Jenna to come see me.  She must have realized she could easily come and go and I’d never know she was in town.  Her explanation as to why she stopped by made sense when she said it, but it felt more like a ruse as the words played over and over in my head.  That was when it hit me; I let her get away once before, but I didn’t have to make the same mistake twice.  If she had an hour and a half then I was going to spend every second of that time with her.

I grabbed my coat and chased after her.  She didn’t have any luggage with her so that told me she must have a cab waiting.  I made it to the street just in time to see her reaching for the door to a cab.

“Jenna!  Wait!”

Her eyes met mine and she froze.  The tears she was so careful to conceal were now free.  I hurried to close the distance between us before I awoke from this dream and she was gone.

“What are you doing, Jackson?”

I captured her mouth with mine and kissed her the way I’d imagined every day for the last two months.  When I broke the kiss, I held her close and whispered in her ear, “Don’t go.  Not yet.”

“I have to go…or…I’ll miss my flight.”

I pulled back and looked into her eyes.  “Then miss it, Jenna.  I’m heading that way the day after tomorrow.  Stay here with me and I’ll take you home.”  When I noticed the apprehension on her face, I added, “I’ll sleep on the couch.  I just want time to talk.”

“I can’t.  Tomorrow’s Christmas.  My family is expecting me.”

“Tell them you had a change of plans.  They’ll understand.”

Jenna shook her head.  “My family hates you, Jackson.  They won’t understand.”

The cab driver stuck his head out the window.  “Are you getting in or what, lady?  I don’t got all day.”

I opened the door and grabbed her luggage.  “No.  She isn’t getting in.”

“Jackson…what are you doing?  I have to go.”

I paid the cab driver.  “Let me drive you to the airport.”

She bit her lip.  “I don’t know…”

“Please, Jenna.”  I walked the short distance to my car and placed her bags in the backseat.  I turned back to her.  “I just want a few more minutes with you before you go. Besides, you’re not going to find another cab in this weather in time to get to the airport.”

Wordless, she got in and fastened her seatbelt.  I followed suit and turned to face her.  “You should know something before I start the car.”

She looked worried.  “What?”

“You should know that you don’t need to look so worried.  I’m a trained federal agent.  You have a much better chance of getting to the airport in one piece with me behind the wheel than you would with a random cabbie.”

“I’ve seen your driving, Jackson.  Are you planning to go the wrong way on anymore highways?”

I started the engine and grinned.  “Naw.  I only do that when I’m trying to rescue a pretty girl.”

“And?”

I saw her smile out of the corner of my eye.  “I’m off duty tonight.  The only pretty girl I want to talk about is sitting next to me and she doesn’t need rescuing.”

“No, I’m good right now. But…I did. I know that. He was going to kill me if you hadn’t…”

“I couldn’t let that happen.  No power on this earth could stop me from getting there in time.”

Jenna was quiet after that.  We made good time on the way to the airport – too good.  I carried her bags for her all the way to the gate, mildly surprising her when I flashed my badge to get past a security checkpoint.

“Isn’t that an abuse of power or something?” she asked once we were past the final security guard.

“Probably, but it was worth it.”

When she was about to board the plane, I mustered the courage to ask her the one question I needed answered before I could say good-bye to her again.  I touched her elbow to stop her from leaving.  “Jenna…”

She turned to face me.  “Jackson?”

“I need to know.  Do you still love me?”

“No,” she said, her voice soft.  “I’m still in love with this man who spent the whole day at the zoo with me and pretended to be a flamingo with my niece.  I should get over him before I let myself fall in love with anyone else.”

I touched her face.  “That was me, Jenna.”

She met my gaze.  “I don’t know if that was the real you or not.  It’s still hard to separate fact from fiction.”  She took a breath.  “I need time.”

I brushed my lips over hers in a tender kiss.  “You may not believe it yet, but I love you, Jenna.  I’ll give you all the time you need.”

She picked up her bags and turned to go, but stopped short, turning back to face me.  “You know something, Caldwell?  You may not be the same man I thought I knew, but I think I  like the man you are.”

Without another word, Jenna turned and boarded the plane.  I stayed in the terminal for a long time after the plane took off.  She liked the man I was, huh?  It wasn’t a declaration of love, far from it, but it was a start.

The day after tomorrow I would be back in Dallas, for good this time.  That gave me little more than 48 hours to figure out what I was supposed to do next.  I didn’t have the faintest idea how I was going to turn like into love.  Even though I’d done it once before, it was different this time.  I couldn’t mess this up.  Not again.  This time I was playing for keeps.

Sure, I’d been in love before.  Hell, I’d even been married for a while, but that couldn’t count since she’d bailed on the marriage.  This time I was actually in love with a woman I could spend forever with.

It was my first time and I knew I’d never forget the way it felt.

The End

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